The other side of the coin....

If you read my post from yesterday carefully, you will remember that my end statement in a PS said "Never forget that there are two sides to every coin....". What I wrote yesterday was extremely difficult for me to write (and I feel really really bad and guilty about it and already thought about deleting the post) and now I will try to explain to you why......and what I mean with the coin.


Most people take a look at someone and their behavior and place a judgement....sometimes that is the first impression, which can be hard to change and sometimes you wait with judgement and let someone prove themselves over time before you label them....but be sure, you (WE) do label people. 


Now let me ask you some questions....and please answer by commenting on this post:
1. How did reading my post from yesterday make you feel?
2. Have you labelled me yet? Or are you still waiting to judge?


The other side of the coin
- I grew up under very poor circumstances....meaning we could barely afford the essentials. Our house had 3 small rooms and we were 4 people, which then means that our parents slept in the living room. Sometimes when friends came over for the first time, they would say "Oh! You live here....so where do your parents live?". I grew up on a farm and we had so many animals when I grew up. I had relationships with almost all of them (maybe not all the chickens ;)) and didn't realize that most of them were for eating and/or getting food from.
- I looked like a boy and always wore my brothers old clothes...not because I wanted to, but because it was all we had.
- I have already lost 3 of my very best friends to death....yeah, you may not understand two of them as they were horses (unless you had horses yourself), but they were the apples of my eye and it hurts just the same and you have memories together, just the same. The third friend was my best friend: My grandmother (we were neighbors). When she died, I felt as if all the kindness in the world had been ripped away and what was left of the world was only mediocre and I didn't anymore dare to believe that I had a future. I didn't understand why she had died so suddenly and hence, for weeks, I didn't dare to fall asleep as I was afraid I would also pass away in my sleep.
- I am still not sure I had so many real friends growing up....most of my friends only came over with the question "Can we go riding on your horses?".
- I spent the age of 16-22 suffering from periods of severe depression, never seeing the point of anything and especially not myself and was so so very tired from hiding this from the world and keeping up appearance. 
- During parts of the same time, I was stuck in a very destructive relationship from which I still suffer from some of its consequences......
- I have always hated the way I look and been ashamed of myself and hence, I never went swimming with my friends, but always went swimming in places where I was the only one....or occasionally I would bring my very best friend (very cherished moments!!) (I still hate to go swimming because of this). In the Gymnasium, this problem became so bad for me that I had a separate shower room after gym-class. I also had an eating disorder.
- I am competitive! ....but not in ways that people seem to  think. I don't care to compete with other people....just with myself. A great performance was the only way to make me feel even an ounce of joy about who I was when I grew up....and it didn't come with a price-tag. I got my real kicks out of football, competing with my horses (or the ones from my riding club) and being good in school. Because of this, I was also very hateful with myself when I didn't perform up to my own expectations......and some of my current friends can still see sides of this in me...the perfectionist side.
- I never felt that I was worthy of anything good in life....especially not love.
- I never got a proper education....partially because I didn't know if I would have a future but also because I didn't have any time to ever study when I grew up as I had my horses to take care of before and after school. This meant that I had to listen hard in class and take notes and ask questions and never learned to study and learn things by only reading. I learn best by doing. I am where I am today because I worked really hard and learned on the job.

- I was always very sporty and if you read the above, you might have realized that this part of ME was the way I got through because I performed well.......so you can maybe imagine how I felt for the 10 years when I had an undiagnosed problem with my back, keeping me from doing any sports without having a Lumbago....and during this time, besides being in physical pain, I was faced with disbelief from numerous doctors and specialists who all believed I was just being lazy and wanted to be on sick-leave....but this disbelief also came from the people who claimed to love me, which really hurt at the time (now I'm diagnosed properly and, besides one very recent set-back, doing really great!).


I am not bitter for the above things, nor do I feel sorry for myself (anymore) or feel that I missed out. Since a few years, I feel real joy and appreciation for myself. A lot of this is thanks to family and friends (I hope you know who you are ;)) who have stood by me through everything....and also to someone who had to bare the heavy burden of being around me while I was still trying to recover from my self-hatred......the rest I owe to Chris. He's love is the first one I have ever really truly felt and believed in (not saying that the love of others were never real....just that I didn't think I deserved it before). I always wanted someone else to come into my life and make me happy!! It took me soooo long to understand that happiness is not something that someone else brings to you....you create your own happiness. It is a HUGE and entirely unrealistic pressure you put on other people if you expect them to make you happy. I do sincerely apologize to the people from who I once expected this.


You can be sure that for everything I have in my life, I am eternally and profoundly grateful and not one day goes by where I am not aware that this could all be temporary and hence, I do not take things or people for granted. I have learned to find joy in the little things as, what we thought were the big and important things growing up, such as toys, nice houses, fancy cars, holidays at exotic places etc. was never within my reach. Since we couldn't afford exotic holidays growing up, I have learned to love nature as most of our holidays were in nature, camping and fishing (I loved these holidays!!!!). Photography is my way of capturing happy and beautiful moments, memories and places and I truly treasure this possibility..... My parents raised me the very best they could and never ever pressured me to become something or someone....they always let me decide for myself and were always proud of my achievements....even the smallest ones. They worked so hard to provide for my brother (who I love dearly!!!) and me!! I am truly happy and feel successful for the very first time in my life for REAL and yet, I can not genuinely shout it out to the world because it embarrasses me, provokes people and makes me seem less humble than I really am.


I didn't write this post for you to feel any kind of pity or whatever.... I wrote this post because I want you to know that not everything in life is black or white. I am a very strong character...I know....and I know I am not very flexible in some areas... I also know that I appear to be a snob too some people (I've heard some nicknames for me that make me laugh ;))....well, now that I'm earning my own money, I think I deserve to spend them on things that make me feel good about myself and for this I will not make apologies.... I know what I want now and I have the ability to make things happen because of this and I waited way too long to get here. Now I'm trying to catch-up! The moment I started to believe that I deserved good things - good things started to happen to me........just saying ;))

xox