We all have these moments in our lives, when we really have to question what is truly important for us.....we have to think things over......ensure we are either on the right course or figure out the new coordinates....and then...then comes the hardest part - To make choices. Which way should we go? Should we go with our guts? Should we choose the easy way? The one with least expected obstacles? Should we do nothing? Will our hearts be the best guides? Or maybe our minds? ....and then another hard, but critically important part, can we avoid being influenced by others in making choices to ensure we are doing what is right for us and only us?
Crossroads....that's what they are.....and I have the feeling, they are appearing in front of me more than what's normal....or maybe people just don't talk about theirs? "Where is that crystal ball?!" I can't even begin to count the number of times I've asked myself that question.....
Right now, as you might be able to imagine, or as you probably know if you already are a parent, I am asking myself many questions.....like, how will things feel after the baby arrives? Will I still have the drive and ambitions that I've had as long as I can remember? Will I want a more quiet life? Can I handle a more quiet life? Does this/that make sense also in the future? What is best for me? ...and is that what's best for us?
I think I have too much time on my hands right now. Too much time to think and to contemplate...and too few friends around......so today I'm trying new things. Small things......I'm eating a new breakfast. Listening to new music. Hoping this will give me a new perspective....shed a different light on things.
Compared to a few years ago, I feel a major change inside. I am happy now! I mean really happy!! I have a sense of peace inside....the same kind of peace I felt as I child and had just started to explore the world. When I look upon the world now, I am aware of the risks of my decisions, that's probably the difference compared to what I was like as a child, but what I see, what's in focus if you will, are the opportunities and adventures! ...just like back then. The choices I am making these days do not impact my happiness.....it is safe, it is in the right place, it's within me! Independent of the world, the consequences of our choices and the opinion of others. I know not many choices are irreversible. Not really! Not many things have to be permanent unless we want them to be (parenthood aside ;)).....and by every mistake, comes new learnings and new experiences, so can they really be called "mistakes"?
So what are choices? .....curses or blessings? How do you make your choices and decisions? What changed for you after becoming parents? What is the scariest decision you ever made? Do you have many regrets?
xox
The ground is moving under my feet and I am in dire need of making a choice. I am clinging and clawing to a path that I know is probably not right for me and my stubborn mind tells me to ride it out, to show persistence and to never give up.......while my soul is tired and wants me to change direction..... I'm battling between being socially acceptable, to achieve some kind of status and accepting myself. I am screaming on the inside, yet smiling on the outside. I am so angry and yet, I have to control myself in public not to make a scene. I want so desperately to speak my opinion, but doing it, I know I will get burned. I have a desperate urge to express myself but know I will be judged, hard, by doing so. I'm constantly fighting for what I believe is right, while I see so many others just fight for themselves, knowing that they are wrong, just to get advantages...to get ahead.....and it works.
I want to change things for the better, but keep banging my head against the wall while trying to make my surroundings move. I am suffering from the "good girl complex", meaning I go out of my way to achieve what is expected, without exceptions, to help out, to avoid disasters and to make things move in the right direction - just to hear that hard work doesn't pay off in the end and that no one will ever thank me for it. How incredibly demotivating.... I don't understand that world nor its inhabitants and I think my sad conclusion is that I never will.
I feel out of place, misunderstood, awkward, controversial, sad and desperate. I am surrounded by negative energy, being constantly stuck between a rock and a hard place...fighting for nothing while almost loosing myself. People tell me "it's not worth it" but I never listened.....well I think I have finally realized that they are right, it's not worth it....it can never be worth it......
Luckily, this is just a part of my life and thankfully not the most important part, but:
This is me declaring war against myself! This is me screaming for liberation! This is me attempting to stop caring about what others may think while making choices and decisions I know are right for me. This is ME and I will make no excuses for it! This is me swearing that from here on after - I'll be catching that dream, MY dream, not just chasing it!
xox
