Declaration of war

The ground is moving under my feet and I am in dire need of making a choice. I am clinging and clawing to a path that I know is probably not right for me and my stubborn mind tells me to ride it out, to show persistence and to never give up.......while my soul is tired and wants me to change direction..... I'm battling between being socially acceptable, to achieve some kind of status and accepting myself. I am screaming on the inside, yet smiling on the outside. I am so angry and yet, I have to control myself in public not to make a scene. I want so desperately to speak my opinion, but doing it, I know I will get burned. I have a desperate urge to express myself but know I will be judged, hard, by doing so. I'm constantly fighting for what I believe is right, while I see so many others just fight for themselves, knowing that they are wrong, just to get advantages...to get ahead.....and it works. 


I want to change things for the better, but keep banging my head against the wall while trying to make my surroundings move. I am suffering from the "good girl complex", meaning I go out of my way to achieve what is expected, without exceptions, to help out, to avoid disasters and to make things move in the right direction - just to hear that hard work doesn't pay off in the end and that no one will ever thank me for it.  How incredibly demotivating.... I don't understand that world nor its inhabitants and I think my sad conclusion is that I never will. 


I feel out of place, misunderstood, awkward, controversial, sad and desperate. I am surrounded by negative energy, being constantly stuck between a rock and a hard place...fighting for nothing while almost loosing myself. People tell me "it's not worth it" but I never listened.....well I think I have finally realized that they are right, it's not worth it....it can never be worth it......


Luckily, this is just a part of my life and thankfully not the most important part, but:
This is me declaring war against myself! This is me screaming for liberation! This is me attempting to stop caring about what others may think while making choices and decisions I know are right for me. This is ME and I will make no excuses for it! This is me swearing that from here on after - I'll be catching that dream, MY dream, not just chasing it!


xox